The Will to Change - Men, Masculinity, and Love

Introduction

The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love by Bell Hooks is a feminist’s portrayal on patriarchy and its social conditioning on men and young boys. What is patriarchy? It is a “political-social system that insists that males are inherently dominating, superior to everything and everyone deemed weak, especially females, and endowed with the right to dominate and rule over the weak…” I never really understood patriarchy as I am a male obviously but also due to the fact that I am not feeling the greater effects of privilege. Patriarchy isn’t about ALL men being at the top but only a minute percentage. ALL men do have more dominance socially and within intimate relationships. I think that’s what the definition means.

Patriarchal Demands

The demands of patriarchy are for men to become emotional cripples from social conditioning which comes from father’s lack of emotional connection and use of violence and other forms of pyschological terrorism (emotional, verbal abuse…) to sever the boy’s emotional relations with himself and others in order to be more “manly” or in pursuit of some patriarchal ideal. A misconception is this is only the father’s fault but women under patriarchal schooling as single mothers also overcompensate for lack of a masculine role model and also unleash their emotions from being mistreated by men onto their sons. Men aren’t allowed to express their emotions where the author states that she only sees this in churches or with her maternal grandfather.

Boys have no space to mourn for this either. There are no safe spaces to emotionally grieve this loss of connection and when they do this to a woman (also patriarchally conditioned), the woman also loses attraction or respect.

Copes

To cope with the fact men aren’t able or allowed to emotionally connect with themselves or others even within intimate relationships they result in addictions. A pervasive one is work which is great for a capitalist imperialist society and when work is too boring or tedious and to quieten men’s rage and festering emotions inside they use pornography and are obsessed with sex. This obsession only came about through patriarchal means and before this system, men didn’t care as much about this than today. I will have to fact-check this as I’ve always thought it was biological but the author argues this is another patriarchical lie.

Solution

To reclaim male integrity, the author argues for a more spiritual outlook quoting both the Dalai Lama and Thich Nhat Hanh - two men who are ideals for an anti-patriarchal ideal. To help young men, there should be societal changes in place that teach both men and women that it is alright to share feelings and emotions and it doesn’t make one weaker. That there should be support groups and therapies and anti-patriarchal depictions in children’s books and media that don’t use violence as a way to solve everything rather than talking and expressing feelings. The ideal man is one capable of self-criticism who are able to do the work and forgive and be vulnerable. This is done by returning to boyhood and evaluating what they learned about masculinity and how they learned it and the mask they had to create to fit in. Kay Leigh Hagan has stated the qualities of a ‘Good Man’ as

• listening more than they talk
• self-reflect on their behaviours and motives
• actively educate themselves about women’s reality by seeking out women’s culture and listening to women
• avoid using women for vicarious emotional expression?
• They look to women for guidance when they err and receive criticism with gratitude
• They endure uncertainty while waiting for a new way of being to reveal previously unconsidered alternatives to controlling and abusive behaviour.
• intervene in other men’s misogynist behaviour (even when women are not present)
• They work hard to recognise and challenge their own misogynist behaviour
• Advocate for the value of a feminist practice for themselves, not because it’s politically correct, or for women to like them, or equality but because they understand that male privilege prevents them not only from becoming whole, authentic human beings but also from knowing the truth about the world.

My Thoughts

I was severely lacking in books on masculinity and on what sort of man I should be. However, this literature did stir up some emotions long dormant from my childhood about both of my parents and that I too am closely under patriarchy. I was hoping for some sort of solution or ideal that could be presented but unfortunately it was very spiritual which I’m not against but wasn’t as concrete as I would have like and only described increasing relations with others and serving others which I have already considered. I will try and work hard on being a ‘Good Man’ even though I hardly know anyone to talk to, let alone women. This book has opened my eyes to feminism and patriarchy as a man not as some system where I win because of my privileges but that I lose as well unless you’re a masculine-leaning woman or man that is part of the cream of society. I hope not to cope with work where I don’t lose my relationships (not that I had any) or dive into patriarchal pornography which spread the use of violence and domination for the pursuit of pleasure for the man which is only a fleeting experience compared to the alternative. Overall, this book was quite enlightening and easily readable and has opened my eyes to experiencing another way of viewing society.